Life is much easier when we know what is expected of us, and everyone agrees to the same things, right?
Such is why schools post lists of rules in classrooms. Such is why colleges make students sign codes of conduct. Such is why neighborhood associates have covenants. Everyone going in the same direction can feel good.
But life in relationships is not always that straightforward, or clear. And so, with this true, I want to sit with this word: nuance.
Nuance: a slight difference or variation.
When is the last time you allowed for the presence of nuance in how you saw a situation?
When is the last time you considered that while your life experiences might seem similar to someone else's story, no two journeys are the same?
When is the last time your opinions of others made room for nuance?
Walking the path of grace ALWAYS makes room for nuance. For example-
Just because your friend's brother tried particular type of treatment for cancer sucessfully, it doesn't mean such is what your neighbor needs to do too. . .
Just because your cousin invited your estranged uncle back into your Thanksgiving table doesn't mean that you would need to do the same . . .
Just because you have a strong religious conviction for who you vote for, doesn't mean that your neighbor is any less faithful if they make a different choice . .
What difficult roads we build for ourselves to walk when we get stuck without nuance in our beliefs about the world and others.
As I think about all that tears us a part from each other in community life in times like this, our leaning into nuance offers hope!
Nuance allows you to be you and me to be me. And even more, it allows God to be God-- the only one after all, who can judge us.
May nuance be a gift to you in the week ahead as you, dear ones, live in love!
XO
Elizabeth
Good morning friends!
Can you remember the last time you got into a squabble with a co-worker or friend? Maybe you were trying to be helpful or kind but what you did wasn't received that way? Maybe you had the best of intentions, but . . .
You forgot to ask for this week's word before you acted: permission.
Permission: the act of allowing someone to do something, or of allowing something to happen.
I've thought a lot recently about how powerful the experience of asking for permission can be in relationships. Asking simple questions like:
"Would it be helpful for me to show up with you at this?"
"Can I tell you more about what I am going to do before I begin?"
"I would really like to stop by tomorrow. Would that be ok?"
This is not to say that we always must ask before we do-- for certainly there are situations in life/relationships that ask us to follow our gut and just show up. But truly, there is a time and place for the gift of permission.
Even if you are in a caregiving role (and it's just your job to do certain things) or if you know the person really well (and hey you've done this act may times before), seeking permission creates space for the best things to happen.
For here's the thing: asking for permission empowers others and it empowers you too. Permission helps you remember where you begin and then where others start.
For none of us is so intertwined with someone else that we can't say no.
To seek permission is to remember that what might feel helpful to you might not feel the same to someone else.
To seek permission is to make space for anxieties that might limit another's capacity to show up.
To seek permission is let go of control you might want to have over a situation.
The most lovely divine gifts show up for you and me when we don't try to force anything, but with grateful hearts just receive what others want to give us.
Hoping this week is full of spaciousness in your days for yourself and your people! Listen to the nudges to seek permission.
XO
Elizabeth
Do I really need to talk to people I disagree with?
It's been a couple of weeks but today, I want to offer another installment of "How do we live in these days?" If you missed the last post about privilege, you can read it here.
I’ve been thinking a lot this week about how easy it is for you and I to stop talking to one another when we don’t agree especially now in times like this.
And, I’m wondering- how many times in the past couple of months have you blocked or hid friends on Facebook after they posted that article or meme for the 40th time about a political idea you don't agree with? Or been leery of going home and sitting around a family dinner table because you know that ___ will be there and say something you find offensive?
I know this much is true: lively, respectful, conversation is an art form that has grown harder and harder to engage in by the day.
Sharp edges are everywhere.
We are all prone to shut down on arrival.
It just seems easier to keep our mouths shut and stick close to people like us.
When I was preparing to preach last Sunday at University Christian Church in Hyattsville, MD I sat close to the story of the Samaritan Woman for the week and felt convicted all over again about Jesus' example of what it means to be in conversation people for whom I might disagree.
In John chapter 4, we read that Jesus and his disciples were on the road and they’re running low on supplies. Verse 8 tells us that the disciples take a detour into town to buy food. But Jesus hangs back. It has been a busy couple of days. And he realizes that a moment of rest might do him some good. It’s around lunchtime. The sun is out. It’s the hottest time of the day. Jesus looks for some shade and finds it close to a well.
BUT then, a woman approaches fetching water. She has a bucket. Jesus does not. Jesus has been thirsty for quite some time. He asks the woman to get him a drink of water. A conversation between an unlikely pair begins!
I say unlikely because it would have been the cultural norm for Jesus just to ignore this woman. (Please note: John does not even give us her name!) Take a nap. Keep to himself. Save his energy for a larger scale teaching engagement. After all, he is a Jew from Galilee and she is a woman from Samaria. Men and women, non-related at this time did not converse in public places. Nor did Jews and Samaritans.
But it was time to talk. And as much as the woman wanted Jesus to focus on the literal, the substance of the water, Jesus carefully moved the conversation to the soul.
To get to this deeper place, Jesus speaks to her more personally.
I can imagine he looks her directly in the eyes and tells her that she’s had 5 husbands and the man she’s living with now is not her husband-- all to the amazement of the woman. It was true!
I read an article this week by John Piper, a conservative theologian for whom I usually disagree and his take on John 4 is no exception. He calls the woman in the passage a “worldly sensually-minded, unspiritual harlot from Samaria” and later he refers to her in his sermon as a whore. He makes the point that Jesus is lavishly lowering himself to her level. And that in her sin, Jesus is calling her out and hoping she’ll accept his invitation of eternal life.
And even if you and I don’t use such strong language about her as Piper does, I believe we’re also prone to look down on her too? Many of us equate the Samaritan woman with a prostitute even though the language of the text does not contain this word.
Yet in our judgment, we overlook so much of the cultural context of this story.
Professor David Lose further explains: “She very easily could have been widowed or have been abandoned or divorced (which in the ancient world was pretty much the same thing for a woman). Five times would be heartbreaking, but not impossible. Further, she could now be living with someone that she was dependent on, or be in what’s called a Levirate marriage (where a childless woman is married to her deceased husband’s brother in order to produce an heir yet is not always technically considered the brother’s wife). There are any number of ways, in fact, that one might imagine this woman’s story as tragic rather than scandalous, yet most preacher’s assume the latter.”
But Jesus shows the way of love. Jesus never calls her out as a sinner. Jesus never asks for her repentance. Jesus never focuses on the fact she’s had 5 husbands other than the fact that it’s just details in her story.
Jesus offers dignity.
We don’t hear him talking down to her, looking down on her or saying, “Well, I’m Jesus so I’m of course I'm better than you—so you stay over there while I stand here.”
No! Not at all. Jesus sees her for her. What a powerful moment this!
A bridge of relationship forms because a conversation is not just exchange of words between two people but a connection. An authentic connection.
My friends, isn’t this what our world needs more of from us as people of faith?
Conversations partners with willingness to put barriers aside and just listen.
Conversations partners who show up to listen and not judge
Conversation partners who love before we’re quick to condemn
Dan Kimbell in his book, Adventures in Church Land says this: “Many of us have so few friendships with others outside the church so that people see only the aggressive street evangelists or a pastor on the news who got caught in some scandal or who is being interviewed and saying some nutty things. If people don’t see normal, day-to-day examples of real-life Christianity, then we shouldn’t be surprised if the scandals and the extreme voices end up defining their view of the church.”
Or in other words, what are we doing to be conversation partners with those who most need to be seen, loved and understood (even if they're different from us)?
I believe keeping conversation alive IS the way we live in these days. Who do you need to talk to?