What are you afraid to say?
I’ve been thinking a lot about the silence spaces that fill so many of our day-to-day conversations and relationships.
We converse with a loved one about something overflowing with authenticity. But then for a multitude of reasons, we don’t speak of it again for years. An in between space.
A friend’s flippant comment offends us. But there never seems to be time to really talk about it again. An in between space.
A family member shames us with words. But we don’t feel the relationship is safe enough to enter the waters of reconciliation. An in between space.
Bottom line: for right or wrong, in so much of our lives, I believe we’re afraid to speak. Our relationships get stuck. We accept the in between space as all we can do.
But at what cost? Joy? Peace? The contentment of living well?
I just finished Kate Bowler’s new book, Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved-– a memoir about grief, cancer and dying that has recently hit the New York Times Best Seller list. It’s full of beautiful prose. Prose I highly recommend to you.
One of the things that impressed me right away about Kate’s experience of a terminal illness (a stage 4 cancer sentence nonetheless) was her crushing defiance of any space in between.
As soon as she heard that she had months to live (which has now turned into years thanks to a clinical trial), the bullshit games of her relationships ended.
Coming out of her first post-cancer diagnosis surgery, Kate describes sitting next to a beloved friend saying this:
“Oh my dear one, it’s time. It’s time to go. You can leave your career! . . If you stay a bitterness is going eat up everything I love about you.”
I can imagine that Kate’s directness would not have happened if it weren’t for her reality. And, I can imagine sensitivity to her friend’s feelings might have held her back. Fear would have gotten the last word.
But it didn’t. The space in between the two friends vanished.
So today, I’m wondering this: what does it take for us to live brave like this?
How can you and I shatter the space in between the keeps us from dear ones in our lives? How can we have more conversations that matter?
I’m writing today not because I have an answer to my question. Only this insight:
It takes two people to tango.
Reconciliation. New beginnings. Truth-telling. All of these beautiful acts do not happen if two people aren’t open and willing people don’t show up. AND
Push through the fear.
Bring up the hard stuff.
Be willing to say: “I’m wrong.”
Make amends if needed.
Lean into love, the kind of love that is patient and kind.
And most of all, value RELATIONSHIPS over being right or doing what we want all of the time.
It’s a commitment do our part before we give up.
In the end, I believe this is gospel work. Showing up like this is good news. Telling the truth is the good news. Abiding with people is the good news.
And it’s work I know I’m called to do in this world filled so much fear, so many relationships that need mending. What about you?
P.S. If you are in the Washington, DC area and would like to get together with a group to discuss Everything Happens for a Reason, join us at The Palisades Community Church on March 14th at 7pm. Let me know you are coming and I’ll reserve you a spot.
P.S.S. Are you on Instagram? Let’s connect over there. @Elizabethhagan I can’t wait to see your pictures.